Incompatible Beliefs

As a extraordinarily independent child, I never really relied on my parent's beliefs and opinions to form my own. I guess I mean to say that I'm not a democrat because my parents were democrat (haha, now that's a concept!), like their perspectives were siphoned off to create my own. I was always good about forming my own thoughts and opinions without the influence of others.

The same goes with my original ideas of love and marriage, which are so stinking traditional you'd think I was brainwashed or something. Well that's not the case. I came to my own conclusions.

I guess this makes me a fuddy duddy, but I've always believed that love is a deep, long-term commitment that is unconditional, and realistic dating always has the idea of marriage as an endgame. And as for marriage; it's more than just committing to someone because you think you love them; it's pledging to always respect and admire your spouse, and always be there for them regardless of the warm, fuzzy feelings in your stomach. If you ask me, that's why marriage is such a big fat failure these days: People seem to think that the love they feel for their significant other is enough, and they don't even bother to consider the other factors involved.

Haha so with that in mind I guess it's no big surprise that I'm about to be officially divorced with no intention or hope of entering another relationship. Maybe my standards are too high for someone in my position - but then again I would rather have exactly what I was looking for rather than the first available regardless of quality and compatibility. Been there, done that. Wasn't worth it.

Although I have to admit I do not believe there is a single good guy out there worth my time. I mean, I have some guy friends who are FANTASTIC human beings, and deserve a woman who will love them as much as they love her. But for me and my beliefs, there just isn't one out there. I'm still waiting to see a marriage these days that wasn't sullied by infidelity, because everywhere I look adultery abounds. It makes me question the quality of my culture. But that is a rant for another day.

Point is the only thing I got out of my marriage besides a ridiculous amount of debt is the realization that good men don't exist - at least not in my age bracket with the capability of being a romantic interest. I thought my ex-husband was a good person, and I was horribly, horribly wrong.

But wouldn't that mean that I'm setting myself up for failure, believing there isn't a man on this earth who is compatible with my ideas of love and marriage? I guess so, but if you ask me I would rather be proven wrong than settle and get myself in another disaster of a relationship. And of course I could just always spend my days amazingly single. I'll rescue some giant dogs from the SPCA and we'll spend the weekends rolling around in all the money I never spent on another wedding, someone else's rent, or kids.

 

His name will be Hoth and he will assist me in rolling in the Benjamins.

My Friend

I want to tell you about a good friend of mine, one of my very best friends. Ever since we met, she has always been there for me, and I trust her completely (which is saying A LOT). Here is the one and only picture of us together, on the first day we met:

Yes. I'm talking about the car. My car. She came into my life when I was 16, a beautiful 1999 V6 Mustang whose green paint job was so dark, everyone considered it to be black. The growl of her engine is unique, distinct in it's confidence and strength. She might be an efficient pony with her six cylinders compared to her higher-end Mustang brethren, but that doesn't mean she can't be fierce. To me, she is beautiful. She is perfect.

I don't know of anyone else my age who can say they are still driving their first car, but she and I are definitely still taking to the road together. The years haven't been so kind to her; her paint job is clouded and starting to discolor, her headlights have fogged up, and besides the extra nicks and scratches there is an unseemly hole in her front bumper from my first week driving that was hastily covered up by a sticker that has long since given way to expose the whole again. There are spots around the grill and bumper where the paint has faded away completely. That's probably what most people see when they look at her, but those things I don't really notice. She still purrs.

Most girls and young women would consider their bedroom to be their sanctuary, the place where they can slam the door, embrace a frilly pillow and bawl their eyes out. Or where they can let their mascara run as they scream and flail and scribble their rage in their journal, or even a place where they can whisper their deepest secrets to the walls and feel comforted that they will not be judged and mocked. Basically a place where they can be themselves, expose the the deep raw innards of their self and be safe. It would definitely consider that place my car.

I don't know how many times I've sat in front of my parents' house or my apartment, gripping the steering wheel and weeping, or how many times I've pounded the ceiling in excited disbelief. When I opened my college acceptance letter, I was sitting in that front seat. I remember the tightness of the seat belt across my heaving chest while driving to my wedding, and the realization of it hitting me all at once. And when that marriage fell apart around me, and I looked into his dull blue eyes and saw everything, my car was there to whisk me away and take me back home.

She has never failed me, and I've done my best to show her the same courtesy. My car has even saved my life a few times, and I know if I had been in a different vehicle, behind a different wheel, I'd be either marred or dead.

I know it probably sounds crazy, talking about a car like it was a human or a dog, speaking with fondness and affection. To some people my car is nothing more than an aged hunk of fiberglass and metal, a method of transportation and nothing more. Hey, whatever floats their boats. What floats my boat is knowing that this relationship has been an integral part of my young life. This mustang was the conduit of my adulthood, my means of passage through this life. She has done more than get me from Point A to Point B a hundred thousand times; she has given me freedom, sanctuary, solace, peace of mind, comfort... the list goes on for awhile.

Point is I recognize this car and it's significance in my life. Honestly my own husband did less for me than my mustang (and regardless of my relationship with my car, that's pretty sad to be outdone by a Ford), and I can't help but appreciate all that I've experienced and enjoyed because of it. I dread the day, far far away in the future, when me and her have to part ways. Not because I fear being without a means of transportation, because I will have to say goodbye to a very dear friend.

I can only hope that I can be as good of a friend to others as my car has been to me. If only human beings could be so loyal, dependable, and safe.

Hooky

Sometimes playing hooky is a good thing. What are people calling it now? Mental health days? We can stick with that. 

Yesterday morning proved to be the climax of my unidentified depression/rut/funk thing (or maybe just a high point; how would I know how the future is going to turn out?). I was sitting at my desk at work practically seething with misery. So that's when I said, "Screw it." and left work at lunch. Enter a super awesome friend willing to play hooky with me and a tasty, tasty lunch at Genghis Grill and I remembered what it was like to laugh again (without bitterness or spite, of course). 

This is not the good king of laugh I'm talking about.

And this is the good kind of laugh I remembered. Yay!

So now I feel good. Not super great awesome, but pretty good. That's a vast improvement in my book. Hopefully it sticks and lasts. It was pretty nice not having to forcibly motivate myself to go to work this morning. The homicidal thoughts concerning certain scumbags have decreased significantly, too. Hooray for a reduced risk of ending up in jail! 

I'm sincerely hoping that the good feelings endure and today is good. Then after that is the weekend and pay day, which is the official start of no longer giving a fuck until Monday. I am definitely looking forward to that. Plans for the weekend include sleeping, more sleeping, Netflix, and maybe some pants. Oh, and extreme shock if a certain someone actually stops flaking out and returns my texts about making plans. There's more good-natured humor than irritation in that comment, I swear! 

Well it's definitely true that the length of a post is determined by how much bitching you have to do. And since I don't have any (at the moment), this looks like a pretty short post. Here's a picture: 

Grim Outlook

My  outlook for this week is grim at best, considering it's not really different from the schematics of last week and last week sucked balls. Too bad I figured that part out after finishing off 375 ml of vodka and another of Kahlua by myself. Oh, the hangover.

Always seems like a good idea at the time.

What really gets my goat about it is there's no real reason for my week to be an absolute crap fest. There's no root canal scheduled, no quarterly review or anything. It's just work and... Netflix, because I have no social life. Maybe I'm grim because I'm bored and don't have anything better to do than Netflix. Sad to admit, but quite plausible.

Being unfulfilled is one thing. Not knowing why you feel unfulfilled is another. Well, that's not exactly the best way to word it: I'm on the tail end of a painful divorce and I'm destitute - who in the hell would be happy with that? But I have a roof over my head, good friends and family, a job that isn't absolutely vomit-inducing, and, of course, Netflix. I've been better, but I'm not exactly in the gutter. Why can't I be complacent?

As always I have absolutely no idea.

So the questions becomes this: If I'm unfulfilled, what the hell would be fulfilling? Again, I have no idea. Is there a formulaic process to discover such things, or do you have to wait for life to plop something in your lap because you're too much of a dummy to even think of it yourself? Not having money kind of puts a damper on such things.

Talking about depressing things for any length of time is disgruntling, and I don't like it. So switching gears. I guess in a semi-related note, here is a list of fun things to do when you're bored and/or alone:

Bored and Alone? What to try something new? These Recommendations Worked for Me.

1.) Have a Nostalgia Fest 

 Dig through those boxes in the top of your closet of the garage and experience all the photo-album goodness of your memories. Maybe at the same time you can get some spring cleaning done in the process or discover something awesome that you forgot you had. 

2.) Embark on Tasty Explorations

If you like discovery or food or both, then see if you can give your taste buds an epiphany. Check out your local farmer's market or "health food store." You might open your mind and your stomach to something great and new, like all natural chocolate covered honeycomb or bison jerky. 

3.) Treat Yourself

Have a little bit of walking around money? Then do something for yourself that you've wanted for awhile. It could be browsing some of your favorite stores and indulging in a new shirt or fancy pen, or you could just check into a swanky motel and give yourself the spa treatment with a getaway. Sometimes a little something can make your day.

4.) Watch a Movie At Random

Sometimes you can get yourself in a genre rut (how often do you want to watch a movie but nothing in the line up looks good?). So be spontaneous; rent or go see a movie you know nothing about and just see it. You might be surprised at what you find.

5.) Text EVERYONE. 

If you don't want to be alone, then see what you're options on. Text everyone in your address book something nice like, "How are you to day?" Even if no one happens to want to make plans to do something, you could have some surprisingly long and meaningful conversations.


You never know what will happen until you put your feelers out there, I guess. Maybe I should take my own advice and seek to make my outlook for the week less pessimistic. We'll see how that goes.

Transitioning to Where?

Transition periods in life can be tough to endure - especially when you have no idea what you're transitioning to.

Take me for instance. Where the hell am I going? Is life channeling me to a new career path, a better love life, not living with my parents because I'm destitute? Who knows. Certainly not me, and that's infuriating. I've always been the girl with the plan; I was plotting my college career when I was eight, for crying out loud. And now all of a sudden I can't even think of new life changes I would want to pursue, let alone how to pursue them. For the first time in my oh-so-young life, I'm completely clueless.

Well not completely. I have some ideas on how to make money, but who wants to base their life decisions entirely on the resulting moolah? Even I think that's trashy, and I'm pretty open-minded (at least I like to think so). That means I have to second guess every idea that I come up with - do I want to do it because I have a genuine interest or because there would be some sort of pay increase? Tough questions.

Not the most character-fulfilling life goal, is it? Yet everyone dreams about it, it would seem.

So with all of this in mind I ask myself every day: What do you want to do, Self? I never really have a good enough answer. I know what I want, sure; who doesn't? But those wants are going to get me nowhere unless I can come up with a half decent idea of what I want to do to achieve them.

How do you come up with an answer to such a question? Seems to me a majority of the population either magically knew their answer when they were young or somehow stumbled into it in the process of growing up. Post college the only lead I was pursuing was being with my husband and simply getting by, and look where I ended up with that brilliant plan.

Where am I going? What do I want to do?

I would be the first person to tell you that "I don't know" is an acceptable answer, because a lot of the time we are not supposed to know, yet I can't help but feel that I can't rely on that answer forever. Staying in the "I don't know" camp for any longer than is necessary means that life will go on without me, and who knows what directions it will fling me in if I don't start doing the navigating.

Maybe this is just part of the whole twenty-something experience. Or maybe I'm just over-thinking the whole damn thing. Like I always do when I traverse this train of though, my response is to shrug. Who knows?

Only time will tell, it would seem.

Mondays and Customer Service

Not to rip off Garfield or anything, but I really hate Mondays - almost as much as I hate Sundays for preceding Mondays. I've got a neat trick though - I spend the whole weekend not doing what needs to be done so I'm so overloaded on Monday that time just flies by because I'm too busy to notice. Although to be honest even if I was productive over the weekend, Monday would still be chuck full of shit that needs to get done. When is Monday not like that? (Answer = Memorial and Labor Day, and maybe sometimes Christmas)

At the very least this Monday is going by instead of meandering off in a painfully slow fashion. 

And call me crazy, but it seems like Monday is the choice day for the bat shit crazy people to flock to their respective customer service departments. I get the craziest people. My favorite so far today was a compulsive liar who randomly changed accents while speaking to me. I swear she went from southern drawl to prickly (and poor) British in a matter of three sentences in which the year she purchased the item in question devolved from a few months ago to 2009. Sometimes I just wish those people could see my face as they prattle their bull crap into their phone. It pretty much looks like this: 

Oh, but of course, this is my favorite customer service moment any day of the week (because sadly it happens that often): 

"Thank you for calling customer service, how can I help you?" 

"Uh yeah. Is this customer service?" 

Please refer to the facial expression provided above. So I think you get the gist of my mood on Mondays. And customer service. This is about the time I start looking up test times for the LSAT and the GRE. But it could be worse; I could be doing the customer service counter at Wal-Mart. Ugh, just saying it made my spine shiver. 

So I've been inspired to end today's blog post with something I think will really help some people out: Here's my very own guide to getting good customer service! Feel free to pass this info along to any acquaintances you feel might need it:

THE HYPERBOLIC CANTALOUPE PRESENTS:

THE SCUMBAG'S EASY GUIDE TO GETTING GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE: 

1.) Don't be an idiot! :) 

Before you decide it's time to get mad and complain to a random employee who didn't do anything to you, make sure you're not just being dumb. If the product or service you purchased came with an instruction manual, read it. Try asking a friend or relative to try what you've been doing, to see if the produce/service is actually defective. It's also a good idea to step away from your attempts and try again at a later time, rather than contacting customer service five minutes from the start. 

2.) Continue to not be an idiot. 

Consider checking if customer service already provides information or FAQs that answer your questions. If you still have to call or go to a customer service associate, don't forget that they are going to need specific information, such as who you are, what your problem is, and maybe even specifics like your date of purchase or what you purchased. 

3.) Refrain from being a douche bag. 

Remember, the customer service associate did not do anything to you. They did not find your specific item and maliciously tamper with it just to piss you off. They did not physically construct what you purchased with a deliberate flaw. It is wise not to treat them as such. It's also a good idea not to lie about details concerning your product, it's purchase, or the damage. 

4.) Remember you aren't King Joffrey of Customer Service Land: 

Understand that customer service does not literally translate into "you get new and free stuff automatically no matter what." If you do not fall under the warranty or just flat out voided it, then that means you're squarely in the SOL category. No matter how much you threaten, you can't be offended and try to get someone fired for doing their job and following policy. If you feel that you are being hoodwinked or bamboozled in anyway, feel free to calmly explain why you feel that way and ask questions. 

Follow these 4 easy steps and - presto! - you'll actually get great customer service. 

Disclaimer: 4 Steps are not tested and approved for DMV relations. Great customer service does not literally translate into getting what you want. If that is the case, you failed steps 1-4. 

And that's my post. 

Bit Of A Funk...

I've been in some sort of mystery funk since Saturday or so, mystery meaning I have no idea what the hell is causing it. And of course I find that very aggravating. Mostly I've been waking  up extremely fatigued to the point where it's an outright struggle to get up and go to work. That and the idea of going to work is about as appealing as scuba diving with some great white sharks with a head wound. Again, no idea why.

So far my best guess is that the Olympic coverage is slowly sucking the life force out of me. Between constantly talking about it at work, having the live coverage on during lunch breaks, and coming home to sit glued to the television until ten or eleven o'clock at night, that's a pretty safe assumption. Maybe I'll magically recuperate from this funk after the closing ceremony (but hopefully before then).

And the cherry on top of this sundae of ugh would be tonight: My extended family has decided to throw a surprise party for my father's sixtieth birthday tonight. Which is all well and good, except that their idea of surprise party is to tell the rest of us in the house that they will be barging in at 6pm sharp so everything better be clean and everyone needs to have a shirt on. That and my family is CRAZY. I know everyone says that, but I'm telling the truth. As in the show Arrested Development is most likely a comical adaptation of my family. I kid you not.

What rankles more than all the frantic dusting and cleaning and negotiating my parents' crap is that I know without a doubt I'm going to get cornered and forced to talk about the divorce, which is something I wouldn't want to do with people who are actually gentle and considerate conversationalists, rather than gossiping drama-mongers.

It's harsh, I know. I love my family, but they're crazy. Just. Crazy. It could just be the funk talking.

I can only talk within the doom and gloom of it all for so long, so enough of all that nonsense. In an effort to cheer myself up, I'm going to end this post with some reading recommendations! I'll be the first to admit that I find the fantasy literature genre a bit of a joke, stuffed to the gills with Tolkien knock-offs and poorly written, D&D inspired treks of various wizards and elves and whatnot. But there are some really great gems to be found that can be quite a titillating read even if the genre isn't your cup of tea.

So here are my Top 5 Fantasy Reads for winding down the summer (assuming you're a literary sprint reader and can tackle multiple thousand-page behemoths in the next month and a half):

1. American Gods - Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman is undoubtedly the king of urban fantasy, and many consider American Gods to be his masterpiece. It's a wonderful blend of urban fantasy, mythology, and the classic American road trip. The dark-ish tone and constant flirting with explaining and refusing to explain the unknown is amazingly delicious.

2. Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin

Who hasn't heard of this book by now thanks to the production values of HBO? Well, more people than have actually picked up a book because Sean Bean is on the cover. Whether you're a fan of the show or not, I highly recommend reading the book! It's a slow starter simply because you have so many characters and lore to get acquainted with, but once you do, you'll be hooked. The whole series, in fact, is addicting, and provides infinitely more detail, insight, and action than the show ever could.

3. Sabriel - Garth Nix

This one is considered Young Adult, but man is it a great read! It is amazingly well written, and the creativity that went into the world and the plot are wonderful. There's a touch of epic fantasy, necromancy, and a bit of WWII nostalgia stuck in there. The whole Abhorsen Trilogy is a great read, and for summer is a great way to spark your imagination, whether you are young or just young at heart.

4. Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss

Fans of the Harry Potter books, rejoice! If you loved Rowling's juggernaut of a saga, then you will love this trilogy-in-progress about a young boy navigating magic, alchemy, martial arts, and the magically immortal. It's a great epic fantasy to read at an easy pace, and is colloquial in approach without being patronizing or simply written. And there's plenty of boy-on-boy rivalry to go around, for those of you needing a new source for your Harry/Draco fix.

5. The Color of Magic - Terry Pratchett

The most traditional "fantasy" book on this list, full of dragons, wizards, and the like. But man, is it funny! Pratchett's whimsical style paired with a great sense of humor makes this a great read for those of you who love to poke fun at the stoic and serious. I wouldn't recommend taking on the whole Discworld saga (man, that's a doozy), but this opening book will provide plenty of fantastical intrigue and chuckles.