Mondays and Customer Service

Not to rip off Garfield or anything, but I really hate Mondays - almost as much as I hate Sundays for preceding Mondays. I've got a neat trick though - I spend the whole weekend not doing what needs to be done so I'm so overloaded on Monday that time just flies by because I'm too busy to notice. Although to be honest even if I was productive over the weekend, Monday would still be chuck full of shit that needs to get done. When is Monday not like that? (Answer = Memorial and Labor Day, and maybe sometimes Christmas)

At the very least this Monday is going by instead of meandering off in a painfully slow fashion. 

And call me crazy, but it seems like Monday is the choice day for the bat shit crazy people to flock to their respective customer service departments. I get the craziest people. My favorite so far today was a compulsive liar who randomly changed accents while speaking to me. I swear she went from southern drawl to prickly (and poor) British in a matter of three sentences in which the year she purchased the item in question devolved from a few months ago to 2009. Sometimes I just wish those people could see my face as they prattle their bull crap into their phone. It pretty much looks like this: 

Oh, but of course, this is my favorite customer service moment any day of the week (because sadly it happens that often): 

"Thank you for calling customer service, how can I help you?" 

"Uh yeah. Is this customer service?" 

Please refer to the facial expression provided above. So I think you get the gist of my mood on Mondays. And customer service. This is about the time I start looking up test times for the LSAT and the GRE. But it could be worse; I could be doing the customer service counter at Wal-Mart. Ugh, just saying it made my spine shiver. 

So I've been inspired to end today's blog post with something I think will really help some people out: Here's my very own guide to getting good customer service! Feel free to pass this info along to any acquaintances you feel might need it:

THE HYPERBOLIC CANTALOUPE PRESENTS:

THE SCUMBAG'S EASY GUIDE TO GETTING GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE: 

1.) Don't be an idiot! :) 

Before you decide it's time to get mad and complain to a random employee who didn't do anything to you, make sure you're not just being dumb. If the product or service you purchased came with an instruction manual, read it. Try asking a friend or relative to try what you've been doing, to see if the produce/service is actually defective. It's also a good idea to step away from your attempts and try again at a later time, rather than contacting customer service five minutes from the start. 

2.) Continue to not be an idiot. 

Consider checking if customer service already provides information or FAQs that answer your questions. If you still have to call or go to a customer service associate, don't forget that they are going to need specific information, such as who you are, what your problem is, and maybe even specifics like your date of purchase or what you purchased. 

3.) Refrain from being a douche bag. 

Remember, the customer service associate did not do anything to you. They did not find your specific item and maliciously tamper with it just to piss you off. They did not physically construct what you purchased with a deliberate flaw. It is wise not to treat them as such. It's also a good idea not to lie about details concerning your product, it's purchase, or the damage. 

4.) Remember you aren't King Joffrey of Customer Service Land: 

Understand that customer service does not literally translate into "you get new and free stuff automatically no matter what." If you do not fall under the warranty or just flat out voided it, then that means you're squarely in the SOL category. No matter how much you threaten, you can't be offended and try to get someone fired for doing their job and following policy. If you feel that you are being hoodwinked or bamboozled in anyway, feel free to calmly explain why you feel that way and ask questions. 

Follow these 4 easy steps and - presto! - you'll actually get great customer service. 

Disclaimer: 4 Steps are not tested and approved for DMV relations. Great customer service does not literally translate into getting what you want. If that is the case, you failed steps 1-4. 

And that's my post.