Finding the Post-Storm Rainbow, Wherever It Is

This weekend marks two months. It's been that long since I moved out of the apartment I used to share with my husband. My soon-to-be-ex husband, that is; I can't even think of him as a "husband" anymore. In some respects I'm amazed at how much time has passed (and how much I have changed), but at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. It feels like I've been in the midst of a torrential storm, and I'm just hanging on in hopes of everything clearing up with an encouraging rainbow that assures me that everything is going to be all right. Like this: 

"Everything is going to be okay," the rainbow said.

I still get mad just thinking about it. It wasn't until recently that the emotions of despair and heartbreak didn't consume me on a daily basis. No doubt I must sound overly dramatic about it, considering this day and age of high divorce rates coupled with my age and the tendencies of youth in such respects. Regardless, it's hard to deal with divorce in general, and even more so when the love of your life who you expected to grow old with suddenly drops the "I don't love you" bomb on you, and as that bomb falls you see a post-it note tacked to its side saying, "Yeah, I've had a girlfriend for some time now."

I know, I know. It's naive of me to think that a guy isn't capable of crap like this. But I don't think there was anything wrong about expecting respect and commitment from a spouse who said the vows. At first I was incredulous; I honestly didn't think that this would happen to me, that the only person who ever loved me in that way would do that to me. Now I'm just bitter. I keep kicking myself for not seeing it coming.

This is the first time I've ever admitted to what I've been feeling inside all this time - publicly at least. Since the split most of my energy has gone into putting up this facade that I'm just hurt (for those that know, at least). Truthfully, on the inside, I'm enraged, bitter, disgusted, and just straight up pissed off across the board. And that's pretty much become my life perspective. It's easier just not to tell anybody that I've become such a dark, hate-filled person on the inside, because what can they do besides blow me off and/or fret uselessly and try to coax me to feel better? What a waste of time.

The good news is that I'm finally on the road to legitimate recovery. Instead of trying to put the pieces of my old life together, I'm trying to create a new one entirely. And the more I make new paths and spaces for myself as I now am, the more I feel like I'm healing and "getting over it" for lack of a better word. It really helps that I've cut him out of my life entirely, and refuse to talk to him. A wound can't heal if you keep tearing the scab off, right?

Maybe if I'm lucky, one of these days I won't love him anymore. That's the prickly part. I'm envious that he can look at me and feel nothing and he got to have that instead of me. I would kill to be able to think about him and what he did to me and feel nothing. But knowing my luck that won't be anytime soon. I guess it's a growing point for me as an adult, because until now I never understood how a person could love someone despite their being a scumbag.

At the very least it's not on my mind and my heart as often as it used to me. Is that considered moving on? Well, I've very recently developed a crush (what am I, in high school?) on Jensen Ackles, so psychologically that could be a good thing.

*Sigh*

One step at a time. Over and over. That's pretty much my mantra right now. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that it's only been two months, and it will be two months more until the judge makes it all final. That's not long at all in the scheme of things, and I guess I need to stop trying to jump the gun. No doubt this topic will inspire more blog posts in the future.

In any case it's good to confess some of this stuff somewhere. I think I'm going to celebrate the newly found lightness of spilling the beans with a picture of Santa Claus' good friend Jesus. I hope you readers are having a good Thursday.